Thetus has a close rate of 99%.

It's true. Thetus is about as popular as Elvis Presley was back in the twentieth century. Except he has dyed blond hair, not black, and he's a bit younger than Elvis was at the time of his death. He's single, attractive, and his after-death spiel casts a spell on anyone who happens to be within earshot.

When someone says their elderly parent wants to be composted, Thetus must get a verbal consent. If the parent is already dead, then the next of kin can provide consent. But if the parent is still alive, Thetus insists on meeting with the aging potential contributor. That way, along with discussing the various composting packages, Thetus offers an opportunity for the departing to bequeath any sum of money to Oxyopia's Eternity Fund. It’s a global fund that furthers development and distribution of renewable energy on a worldwide scale.

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His biggest single bequest so far has been a whopping $42 billion, and he's not stopping anytime soon. Significant and continuous donations are crucial to the success of Oxyopia's mission to rid the Earth of excess carbon dioxide and its catastrophic effects on the environment. Everything goes to Oxyopia except for the small percentage that Thetus gets for his efforts.

His professionalism as former director for an upscale funeral home, along with his experience on Wall Street make him indispensable to the corporation. “Let's face it,” Rory, the CEO, exclaims at a meeting of Oxyopia investors, “Without Thetus, we might as well throw in the towel.”

Older women are especially easy prey for Thetus. Behind their backs Thetus and his assistant, Ronny, playfully refer to these women as ‘swoon and signers’.

His sales pitch hasn’t changed from day one. “You can pass on any amount—from one cent to eternity.” Thetus leans in close to his target—an elderly lady who appears to be completely and passionately mesmerized. “For instance,” he bites the corner of his bottom lip, “the funds from your donation might go to provide solar panels for a tenement pod complex in an impoverished neighborhood, or to provide substantial rebates for new electric vehicles for those who can't afford them.”

He's so close they could almost kiss. Dangling from his tanned and manicured hand is a gold chain with a crystal globe suspended from it. There's a simple tree engraved on its surface, along with the inscription ‘Oxyopia’.

Everyone who makes a financial gift to Oxyopia gets a necklace. Those with donations under $100,000 get a crystal globe. Doners who give more than $100,000 get a lithium quartz sphere, while the cream of the crop who contribute more than $1,000,000 get a diamond cut sphere. The investors have decreed that the diamond sphere is the highest they are willing to go.